Shame On Me
I remember it like it was yesterday, logging onto Facebook and getting a notification. I had been tagged into a video that would change my life FOREVER! I opened the video and to my surprise, I saw many familiar faces, yeah, some guys that I went to high school with. These guys decided to expose the girls that they had slept with via Facebook. I started to watch the video as my stomach literally felt like it was in my throat. I had to be about sixteen or seventeen years old at the time but what happened next shifted my life FOREVER! They begin to list all of the girls and I instantly went into a PANIC because I dreaded the moment that swiftly approached me. “FRAZIER!” One of the guys yelled out while another laughed and nodded his head in agreement. Side note, I was known as Lil Frazier/Frazier in High School because of my older siblings who so smoothly lead the path before me. “FRAZIER!!!!!” It’s like it echoed so loudly in my ears. I instantly felt so small and so ashamed of who I was. I immediately untagged myself from the video and blocked every person who was in it! My phone began to ring off the hook from “friends” alerting me of the video as if I didn’t just experience it HEAD ON! The only thing that I could do was cry! I cried so hard that day. I cried because I KNEW BETTER! I cried because that WASN’T WHO I WAS! I cried because if my family would’ve seen it, I would’ve been in MAJOR trouble! In that moment, my life felt as if it came crashing down. I didn’t want to be seen. I didn’t want to go back to school. I didn’t want everyone to know that I gave myself away because I thought it was “cute” or because my friends were doing it. I was so EMBARRASSED. I couldn’t believe what I did privately was now public. I was being portrayed as a WHORE and I couldn’t BREATH! My high school journey had drastically changed. I no longer fit. I no longer felt like I belonged. I completely SHUT DOWN. I was no longer the vibrant teenager I used to be. I had lost myself and I couldn’t figure HER out anymore. What did I do? Who did I become?
See, I grew up in church my WHOLE life. My parents instilled a great foundation for me. Yet, somehow what I knew, in my head, didn’t connect to my heart. It didn’t make me want to do what I knew I should do. It didn’t make me say NO when I knew it was wrong. I was just living my best life until that life caught up with me. That “BEST LIFE” instantly grew into a SHAMEFUL life. At the time, I had no clue that I had allowed shame to snatch my best years. Living a fast life caused a silent depression to overtake me and many had no CLUE what I was dealing with. Shame came and took my joy and my peace. I smiled because I had to but deep down inside I was being tortured. I allowed how people looked at me to set the standard of my identity because I was unaware of how God looked at me. I started to not take myself serious to the point that I engaged in even further acts. Act after act, made me feel worse but I still did it because shame was now unknowingly what I embraced. Shame grew into insecurities and insecurities grew into a lack of confidence in every area!
See, sin and shames goes hand and hand. What seems like a simple moment of pleasure could turn into a life of shame and embarrassment. If we look at the story of Adam and Eve, Genesis 2:25, “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” We see that before sinning Adam and Eve were already naked and they were not embarrassed about their nakedness. They were FREE and BUTT NAKED! However, when we look at Genesis 3:7 “They the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.” We see that the moment that Adam and Eve ate the fruit (sinned against the law established for them), they became aware of their nakedness. They attempted to cover themselves because their sin had opened themselves up to a realm that was never intended for them to see.
The thing about shame is that it will rule you! Shame tells you what to do and who to do it with.
Shame is the enemy’s tool to DESTROY you! If he can keep you feeling low and small, he can
keep you from fulfilling your purpose! Satan’s overall agenda is to deter you from identifying
who you are in God. He’s aware that the moment you know who you are, is the moment he no
longer has power in your life! Shame comes in many different forms. My shame was ushered in
by my OWN actions. Your shame may come by the actions of another. No matter how shame
comes in, it is our responsibility to not allow it to shape us! God
has already established an identity for us and SHAME ISN’T IT! We are the children of the creator of the world! He has perfectly made us and empowered us to be overcomers! Be led by his spirit and don’t allow shame to rule you any longer! There’s freedom in God!
A Free woman