Have you ever thought to yourself, “What was I thinking?”, “Why would I entertain that?”. Have you ever slightly vomited at the thought of some of the stuff you did and the people you did it with? Yeah, me too. *Rolls Eyes. I would think back on some of the guys I dated or messed with and be completely embarrassed! I mean, just doing WHATEVER. Going out with men that I didn’t even like, talking on the phone with no personalities and having sex with people that I didn’t want to look at afterwards, just a HOT MESS.
Back then, I thought I was just “doing me”. I would joke and tell my friends that I just needed some entertainment. I CAN NOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP! Thank God for my deliverance lol. I feel extremely old to say this but, if I knew then what I know now….I WOULD HAVE NEVER! However, the entertainment that I thought I needed was really me attempting to fill a void in my life. I was extremely insecure about who I was. So, I created environments with men that I could feel empowered and in control. In those moments, I didn’t have to think about the future. I didn’t have to confront the dark places in my life. I didn’t have to admit that I was unsure of everything and completely terrified of life in general. I didn’t have to acknowledge my weaknesses and my deepest secrets. All those real things about me were silenced.
Unknowingly, I began to hide so many of the things I didn’t want people to know. I knew how to talk the talk in any environment I was in. I could get in where I fit in. From the outside, I was doing the dang thang! But, despite me excelling naturally, I was in full-fledged relationships with no clue of who I was! Which added more confusion to my unresolved identity.
The sad reality is that there are many men and women who engage in relationships without any knowledge of their true selves! We are ignorant to how our life experiences have shaped us more than God’s presence has. For example, you used to be an extremely transparent person until that one guy mistreated your honesty. So, in your next relationship, you became extremely closed off and distance. Our natural response is to say, “this is just how I am”. When in fact, your last relationship shaped what you now embrace as a character trait. Our experiences most of the time trumps what God has declared about us. So, you carry on to the next relationship with a new character flaw that God never intended for you to have. You begin to confuse who you are with what you’ve been through and this creates a cycle of identity crisis.
I find it strange that most people are so desperate to be in a relationship. But, can barely articulate who they are or aspire to be. That was me! I loved boys but apparently didn’t love myself enough to learn who God had purposed me to be. I called it “entertainment” when really it was a carnal adventure to discover who I was. We often get into situation-ships and attempt to learn someone else when we are already confused about who we are. Our lack of taking the necessary time to discover ourselves creates our chaotic lives. Most people often wonder why they haven’t found the “right one” or why they continue to get involved with the same type of person. But, I truly believe that ignorance of oneself causes failed relationships.
If you’d be honest, you probably never took time just to focus solely on yourself. I’m not talking about you working on you in order to prepare for a relationship or marriage. I’m referring to you just embracing your singleness and actually taking that time to unravel the many layers of who you are. You know, just taking time to date yourself and learn more about you and getting a grip of your personal history.
I think it’s bizarre how we think sometimes. We think that we can just continue to hide ourselves behind our beauty, marketplace success and whatever else. We think that all our hidden secrets and insecurities will just fade away the moment we get a man. Girl, that’s so far from the truth! The reality is that whatever you don’t deal with, will only be amplified in a relationship. The best attribute to bring to a relationship is a whole woman. There is not enough make up, fashion or hair weave that can outweigh the confidence and power that accompanies a woman who knows who she is.
Entertaining someone knowing you haven’t dealt with you is the most inconsiderate thing you could do. Why bring your uncertainty to someone else? Why burden another individual with the responsibility to figure out what makes you happy since you can’t articulate it yourself? I know that you feel the pressure to rush because everyone around you seems to be so happy and in love. I know that your “clock” is ticking. I know that you’re lonely and wish you had someone to take away that loneliness. However, the worst thing you can do is fake an identity to get yourself into a relationship. The truth of the matter is, whatever you don’t confront will eventually challenge you and that relationship. That hidden woman who doesn’t know who she is,enters a relationship prematurely and sabotages her future.
What’s attracts a Godly Man more than a God-Fearing Woman? What attracts a whole man more than a whole woman? What attracts a healthy relationship besides two healthy individuals coming together? You must be real with yourself. You must be able to say, “not now”. You must be willing to step away from situation-ships that are just for entertainment. You must ask yourself, “Am I truly ready?” Do I really possess all that I desire in a future mate?
Something to think about…